Feb. 18: The empty fog is back. It swept over me without warning. I cannot focus on anything with this limitied vision. I cannot see clear without You. My heartbeat echoes back and forth around my rib cage. My heart is reaching no one , sensing no one. No one except You, and the empty space that You are taking up.
To Love
Feb.17: I am putting one foot in front of the other and lift my head towards the sky. The sun is shy, but a few beams of light shines through some thin clouds. Is that You saying hello? My walk in the sunshine awakens me. I am alive. I am alive for You. The evening is spend on the telephone, one friend after another checking in. I am loved and they have my forever love in return. The soft voices from my friends melts my frozen soul. We are here to love one another. Today, that is what we do.
Absent
Feb. 16: The tiredness has lifted a little. Not much gets done though. I am too busy missing You.
Last Farwell
Feb. 14: I cannot take it all in. I am watching without seeing. I am hearing without listening. I am feeling without understanding. The bright Chapel, the white coffin with red roses, and all the beautiful flower arrangements around the coffin are perfect. The priest is saying the right words, we are singing the right hymns. I read the poem that I had selected because it was You. The whole funeral service is perfect except one very important detail. You were not there. It's Valentines day - Infinity Love to My Beloved Mormor.
Reflection
Hello and welcome! Right now I am sitting in a hotel room in NYC deciding it is time to start communicating with the world. My writing is always straight from my heart, and I hope I'll get to know your heart as well. That is what life is all about - connecting with one another.
So here I am in an unfamiliar environment, halfway between my two worlds. My home in Los Angeles and my childhood home in Sweden.
I'm traveling from the west to the east with a broken heart. I needed to break up the long trip to breathe, so here I am ... I'll continue towards Sweden tomorrow. It's a little like procrastinating when you've an important dead-line at work. You know you have to do it. You don't want to do it. You know you will do it. At the very last minute you'll finish what needs to be done.
I am on my way home to Sweden to say my last farewell to my beloved Grandmother (Mormor). She has been my constant love my whole life. Now I need to face the world without her. I'm a little lost, but with baby steps I'll find my way. I know she will guide me from above.
I'm heartbroken from the loss of her. No, that's not correct. My heart has several broken pieces that has come from true living. The passing of my Mormor just made my heart break a little more. I'm trying the hardest to let the light from her love shine through the cracks in my heart. To let her love and light make me come more alive, and appreciate the gift that my Mormor was to me.
Arriving in NYC in the middle of winter made me freeze to my bones. You adapt quickly to warm weather. I needed to feel warm tonight, from the inside and out. A drink, delicious food and good company helped me bring warmth back. It's time to say goodnight with a sad but a grateful heart. My Mormor was a true Angel on earth. She was sleeping her way to the other side. Her wings will make her arrive where she belongs. In Heaven.
Tomorrow I'll fly closer to closure.
