Age is just a number

This used to be so easy.

What happened?

Oh, that thing that is called age - darn - that is why it is so difficult to do this now.

But age is just a number ... is my mantra - while sweating and cursing (yes, the latter is less ladylike, but damn it helps) ...

So with my million excuses for not working out, it was mind over matter today.

My age, my invisible illness, my aches/pains, and all the other excuses for not working out, will have to shut up right now.

It is time to get stronger - no matter what!  And it starts from from the inside out.

The mind is a powerful thing ... it can ruin you or lift you up.  So please try to tell your own mind to do what is best for you in every situation.  I know, it is easier said than done.

But please, keep on fighting for your inner strength my dear friends!

Moving your body will help like no other medicine!

Today I am managing to have total focus on my mind - body - soul - connection!  I will try my best to not let it slip away from me ...

Join in - please let me know what you are doing to get stronger both inside and out.

"Movement is vital."

~My Doc.

 

May came and the fog rolled in

 

My inner being is just like the fog that just rolled in outside.

The fog covers both the ocean and the mountains.  It is dense, just like the fog inside of me and it is hanging over both my heart and soul.  Ready to lift.  Ready to shift.

Outside in nature, the fog burns off over the ocean in the afternoon.  I need to do a similar thing with my own inner fog, my fog that diminishes my clarity over life.

My inner core is one big fog of emotions.

Some feelings are welcome.  These feelings I embrace full on.

Other emotions that exist inside of me are unwanted.  The unwanted ones, I just try to push away.  I do not want to feel, think, or even experience them.

So what do I do when my unwanted feelings start to rise inside of me?  They arise like a hot burning volcano ready to burst.  I cannot let all that anger, frustration and sadness come out.

Not now.  Not yet.

So I move ... just like the fog outdoors is constantly drifting, so am I.  I need to be in motion ... so I run, walk, lift weights and do yoga.  Sometimes I even dance by myself.  To let the body feel the rhythm in my veins, and let the lyrics both soothe and strengthen my soul.

I need to heal.  I need to be strong.  Inside and out.

We all have been in situations that we wished never happened, and I was just recently in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I cannot change what happened.  The only thing today that I can change and that I have power over, is how I deal with the aftermath.  The aftermath of the situation that I was involuntary in and could not avoid for my life.

I never had a chance to say no.  I was never asked, and I never had a chance to run away.

Now when I am safe, I cannot sit and feel these unwanted feelings.  Me, who always have said: "Do not avoid your emotions, sit with them and accept them."  I am the one who now is running away from them.  Or am I perhaps running with them?  Maybe what I am doing is a healthy outlet to be able to process the unwanted situation over time.  Maybe.

Because if I sit with the memory and the feelings that come with reliving  the event, I think that I will fall apart.

I do not want the unwanted situation to have that power over me.  I want to have power over myself.

So by moving my body I more and more believe that I am having a healthy outlet for all my emotions.  I am actually not avoiding my feelings.  They are with me every step of the way.

There is nothing wrong with shifting focus on your emotions and experiencing different feeelings.  It is what we do with them that matters.

By moving my body more, I am giving myself a gift.  My brain gets more oxygen, my blood shifts to all my organs and flows easier through my veins.

With every step that I take, I can feel that the fog is slightly lifting from my heart.

One day I know I will have run out out from the fog inside of me.

One day, rays of sunshine from acceptance and love will burn my inner fog away.

One day I will see clearly again, the day that the dense fog has burned off all of its heaviness.

Once the fog has moved away from me, I will not feel lost anymore.

Until then, I will continue to do what I can in this moment.

To put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I could not run then, but I can now.

So I will.

Run, run - run,

faster into the sun.

 

Welcome March!

With mixed emotions I am welcoming the first month of spring.  Depending on where you live, spring might still be far away - it might already have come, or you might not experience a lot of changes in seasons where you live.  Regardless of where you live, if the nature and the weather changes seasons or not, you might change seasons internally anyway.  Those changes can be called emotions or feelings, or even seasons within us.

If we for one moment go back to the changes we see around us in nature and what different types of weather we experience, we can all pretend that we have real winter with snow, cold weather and short dark days, then spring comes  with longer days and greener hills.  We soak up the sun with lighter days in the summer, and finally fall arrives with crisp air and trees with leaves in a ray of amber colors.  That's a lot of dramatic changes in nature in one year.

The same can happen within ourselves in a year.  We can have a period of dark difficult times, easier days with spring in our steps, heavy weight on our shoulders that are lifted when we are surrounded by inspiring energy, and also days when we can reflect upon all the different colors and shades within our deepest self that shape us.

Where I live now we have small changes of seasons, and it's very different from my country of origin, Sweden. In Sweden there are drastic changes between the four seasons.  With a lot of changes in the nature that surrounds us and the weather, we also will experience changes within.

With the sometimes rainy grey fall and longer darker winter months in certain parts of the world, it is easy to feel tired and a little low.  Sometimes you might also feel more lonely and separated from the world, as most people are hurrying down the streets to escape the harsh weather to find warm comfort inside a building.  Hiding from the outside in other words.   But the outside can be beautiful as well. There is a saying in my "old country": "There is no bad weather - only bad clothing."  Think of a hillside full of snow when the sun is shining.  It's so glitteringly beautiful that it even can make us gasp for air.  Breathtaking in other words.  So with all the different seasons, it's good and bad.  Just as life.

We have darker and more difficult days, whereas other days can lift us up and we feel energized.

Does everything affect us from the outside and in though? No, I will dare to say.  It is all about our attitude and reaction.  We are our thoughts.  As a result of our thoughts come a certain behavior.  So I'm pretty certain we are what our behavior shows.  Are we angry, bitter and resentful towards the world?  Or are we compassionate, empathic and loving to one another?

Whether we react to the weather changes outside, or to people around us, does not matter.  It is how we react to the outside world that defines us.  It defines who we truly are deep within.

It's all like the serenity prayer.  You need to know what you cannot change, change what you can, and understand plus accept the difference.

So with all the words written above I've metaphorically compared changes in seasons in nature with changes of emotions within us.  That was intentional on my part.

It can be difficult to transfer from one season to another, as it can be very hard to come to terms with certain situations and circumstances in your life.  You just need to know what you can control or not.  Ultimately the only thing you can control is yourself.

So what do we do when it's a grey rainy day? We might not like it, but we cannot change it.  All we can do is to grab a raincoat, umbrella, accept the weather as it is and step out into the street and greet the world anyway.

The same goes for when you're being beaten down with one hardship after another in life.  You might not like it, but you cannot control what happens to you. Only how you react to it. You don't need to like the situation you're in, but you need to accept it.  Sit and really feel it.  There is no escape rout here.  As much as you cannot skip the downpour of the rain, you cannot jump over an obstacle in your life.  You need to walk right through it.  Getting soaked in tears perhaps instead of the rain.  And on the other side of the rainbow your tears will have landed in your heart.  Gently to flood your inner being of lessons learned and wisdom gained.

You made it out from your inner storm, and for that you came out stronger on the other side.  Believe me, there is no way to go around anything.  Whether it is a rain cloud or a heartbreak. The only way to make it in both circumstances is with a lot of determination to take one step at a time.  Forward.  All the while with a gentle heart towards yourself.

As I am writing, I am hearing gusty winds outside.  It makes the whole house shutter.  I am in a phase in my life where a lot of unwanted changes are happening and the future is as uncertain as always.  So at this moment, I do not know if this spring will be as bright and colorful for my heart as the flowers are in my garden right now. Or if there will be a constant shadow darkening my soul. No one can know what the future might bring and that is sometimes the beauty of life.  Right now though, I honestly wish I knew that the next couple of months would be a little brighter and full of colorful surprises feeding my soul.  Then I will try my best to bring some bright colors into someone else's life.  Always pay it forward.  That is the gift of living.

I will end tonight's writing with a sentence from one of my favorite Swedish poets - the late, Karin Boye, wrote: "It hurts when buds burst".

So I am imagining that most of us at one time or several times in our life, we will have a bud that is about to burst open within us. The process might hurt a lot, but afterwards you will blossom.  I promise.

I am ready for spring and to let the bud inside of me burst.  It will be painful. I also know two more things:  it will be worth it and I will eventually blossom.

So will you!

Valentines Day - Forever

Today is Valentines Day, a day associated with romantic love.

Today is so much more.

If you are gentle with your inner voice and let that voice tell you that you are loved, you can show compassion towards yourself.  Only then it is when you truly love yourself and have the capacity to love others.  If you can open your heart to love yourself first, you have come a long way.

It is so easy to have our inner voice judge ourselves and tell us that we are not good enough, smart enough, not good looking and not worthy of love.  That powerful and destructive voice is so wrong.  We are all worthy to be loved.

If you really can see and feel the beauty that shines within you, you will be able to see it in others as well.

If we can feel love, we shall spread love.  If we can show our love to one person, that person will be able to take the love in and also pass it forward. Just like when you throw a rock into the ocean and it makes rings, the rings will multiply. We can touch another's heart with our own loving heart.  The importance is that the only love there is, is a non-judgemental love.

It will and can be a ripple effect of love. So today is about starting to share the love within you with others.

Today will never just be a commercial day for me.  That we need to buy flowers, chocolate etc.  All those things are nice though.  But today is so much more than that.

Today it is exactly three years since my beloved Mormor's (Grandmother's) funeral. It is not a reminder of my loss, as I miss her every day.

Today is a reminder that she was buried on the most perfect day, as she represented everything that I call love.  She was a true gift to me and so many others.

Her selfless way of always being there for others and helping those in need was never a sacrifice on her part. It was her way of living.  She did not know any other way than to be there for other people.  That is not romantic love.  It is universal love.  That we care for one another and if we can help someone, we help.  That is true love.

I just read a little bit about the history behind Valentines Day and I will not write a piece of history here.  It was just all very interesting to read. I do want to share one thing that I found though.

What does it mean to be someone's Valentine?

"Being my Valentine means that you are that special and the only person I will be spoiling the day of."

"It does not mean that we are in a relationship.  It just means for that day, I express to you in words, gifts and actions what you or your friendship means to me in a more intimate manner."

Something to think about perhaps ...

For me, my thoughts return to my loving Mormor (Grandmother) and what I take away from the statement above is that she was my Valentine.  She was that special to me.  Not only  on this day, but all days.  I also know that she was that special to many people.

She was a pure Valentine who gave her love away unconditionally, and she also saw and experienced a Valentine in other people in return. So love goes around. You give love away, and you will receive tenfolds back.

The greatest gift you can give someone is telling them that you love them, that they matter to you. Or show it to them with your caring actions before it is too late.

My Mormor (Grandmother) was and still is the most giving person I have ever known.  A true giver of love.

Let us all pass love onward.  Today and all days.  We can all be Valentines every day and let our love touch other people. Let our lives be love.